A ‘PROPER GOODBYE’ MATTERS
ONE IN FIVE REGRET CHOOSING AN UNATTENDED CREMATION FOR A LOVED ONE
– 20% said the experience left them or others with unresolved grief, emotional gaps & a sense that something was missing –
– 25% said attending a funeral plays a critical psychological role in beginning the grieving process –
Almost a fifth (18%) of people who organised an online direct cremation of a loved one now say they regret doing so, according to new findings that highlight the important role funerals can play in helping people process loss, find closure and celebrate the lives of those they love.
Ahead of Dying Matters Week (4th-10th May), which encourages more open conversations around death, grief and planning ahead, the research reveals that while online direct cremations have grown in popularity as a lower-cost option, they may leave some bereaved families and friends with a lingering sense that something was missing.
Direct cremations are where the person who has died is cremated without any funeral service or mourners in attendance and the ashes are returned to the family. Most online providers do not allow viewing of the deceased, nor are they prepared/dressed prior to cremation.
However, findings suggest that, while often chosen with good intentions, such as reducing financial burden – they typically cost around £1,600 – they can carry unintended emotional consequences for bereaved family and friends, and may not always offer the sense of closure many people need.
According to the report by the National Society of Allied and Independent Funeral Directors (SAIF), the emotional impact can be long-lasting. One in five (20%) say the experience left them or others with unresolved grief, emotional gaps or a lingering sense that something was missing, while 21% have since told their own families they do not want an online direct cremation when they die.
The same number also regret not discussing their loved one’s funeral wishes while they were alive, highlighting the importance of having these conversations early.
Funerals can also play a critical psychological role, with one in four (25%) agreeing that attending a funeral is an important first step in the grieving process, providing structure, ritual and a chance to say goodbye.
During Dying Matters Week Brits are being encouraged to talk openly about their wishes and consider not just the financial aspects of end-of-life planning, but the emotional impact on those left behind.
Professor Kate Woodthorpe, an end of life specialist with 20 years’ experience, said, “There is a lot happening in the world of funerals at the moment, and big questions being asked about transparency and the consequences of funeral decisions, including whether or not to hold a funeral, which funeral director to go with and so on.
Having worked alongside the sector for two decades, I am pleased to see these questions being asked, evidence being sought and created, and the value for many people of funeral directors and a well organised and managed funeral becoming more visible. What happens after death often does not get the equivalent coverage of end of life care or assisted dying, even though what happens is a really important part of people's lives and relationships.”
The findings also show over a quarter (27%) said they would have appreciated more guidance, reassurance and structure with the arrangements, particularly during their moments of early grief.
Almost a third (32%) of people are more likely to process grief after attending an in-person funeral, highlighting the importance of speaking to a local, independent funeral director before making decisions, ensuring families understand their options and the emotional impact of each choice.
Terry Tennens, Chief Executive of SAIF, says “A funeral is not just about loss, it is about remembrance, connection and celebration of life. For many families, having the chance to come together, reflect and say goodbye can play an important role in helping them process the grief of what has happened. Our findings show that when families are denied that moment, some can be left with a lasting sense that something important is missing. It underlines why open conversations about funeral wishes matter so much, so that decisions made after a death reflect not just financial considerations, but also the emotional needs of those left behind.”
The findings are also reflected in real-life experiences shared by bereaved families, Richard Tricker, age 57 from Eastbourne said, “I think I would have felt guilty for the rest of my life if I hadn’t seen him. It just wouldn’t have felt right. We shouldn’t live in a world where a son cannot say goodbye to his father because procedures and processes take precedence over human connection. Looking back, we probably should have challenged my dad’s assumptions more. He believed he was choosing the cheapest and best option, and his intentions were good. But I don’t think he had considered things like whether we would be able to see him after his death or how important that might be.”
In the age of online everything death still needs to be handled with care by humans, so use this Dying Matters Week to discuss funeral wishes with loved ones and avoid future regret.